RibsLikeKnives

It’s funny how one little scene in a movie brings back everything. I hate it. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want these memories in my head anymore. I don’t want when I got raped or my dad beating me or my brothers beating the shit out of me replaying in my head. I don’t want to have the guilt of killing my unborn child, even if it was by accident, I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry. I hate that everyone leaves, absolutely everyone I’ve cared for has left in some way. Ryan, john, steven, allec, jhanai, and so many more. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I miss them, I miss all of them. I’m so tired of crying, and not crying, and holding everything in, just so I seem happy to the world, to my mother, and my father, to everyone. I hurt, and I don’t think anyone see’s it. Everything is fucked up. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m not alive, I’m dead inside, and it’s because I want to die; I don’t look when I cross the street anymore, I take however many pills come out of the bottle, I don’t eat much anymore, I hate myself. I just wish everything would stop.

Even with all the walking I’ve been doing(I’ve probably walked over 20 miles in the last 4 days, plus long boarding) I still feel huge, cause I keep eating and eating (which is most likely do to the fact I’ve been walking so much so my metabolism is like, gimme food to burn up, even though I’m like no bitch, eat the fat on my body.) I just can’t win.

:/